Road to Absolution Read online

  I chuckled as I accepted the double cheek kiss and hugged him back. I dropped my bag on the floor and pulled out my toe shoes. “Bonjour Pierre.”

  “Well done,” he exclaimed. “You might just be fluent by the time you leave.”

  “You never know.”

  I had been in Paris for about a week when I was introduced to Pierre Desrosier. Tall and lanky, albeit muscular, he had the perfect dancer’s physique and with his sexy French accent, I couldn’t help but be drawn to him. Almost from the start, he’d pursued me and I was flattered. What initially gave me pause was that he looked quite a bit like Carter. I couldn’t imagine dating anyone who looked like the love of my life unless it was the love of my life.

  Lately, however, I was beginning to wonder if I should find out if it would work with Pierre. Granted, I had less than a month before I returned home, but who knows? It could be fun and who didn’t love a power couple? Especially, when they were portraying a couple in art and happened to love each other in real life.

  Besides, Carter hadn’t contacted me in almost ten months and it didn’t seem as though he cared as much as he said he did. I had been in a constant state of fear after three months without a word, but when Aidan mentioned Carter was safe, that fear turned to anger and hurt. He’d managed to get word to his family, but not me? I was devastated and wondered if he couldn’t get past the fact that I’d left.

  “We will work on the transitions today, oui?”

  Pulled out of my melancholic thoughts, I nodded. “Oui.”

  When our time came to an end, Pierre hugged me tightly. “Beautiful, Cassidy. You were so uninhibited today. Finally. Parfait.” He stroked my cheek. “Have dinner with me.”

  I smiled. “Why not?”

  “Oui?”

  “Oui, Pierre. Dîner serait belle.”

  “I’ll collect you at seven.”

  “Perfect… um… parfait,” I corrected, and Pierre chuckled, kissing me on the cheek.

  I headed back to my dorm room and took a hot bath. We’d worked out hard today and my body was hurting, but it was my heart that was suffering more. The moment I’d said yes to Pierre, I knew I had to let Carter go. Irrational, perhaps, but I didn’t know if I could continue to hold out hope that he would ever be mine and it was time for me to live a little. I hoped it was, anyway.

  After taking extra care with my hair and make-up, I opened the door to the handsome and incomparable dancer and let fate take my life wherever it led me.

  * * *

  One month later…

  It was the beginning of October, and I had been home from Paris for just over a week and couldn’t get out of bed. For the most part, my mother had left me alone to my depression up until now, but the morning before Carter was due home, she pushed into my room and sat on my bed. The time had come to confess.

  “Okay, my sweet baby girl, I have given you some space, but now I’m really worried. I realize I have barely a week before you’re eighteen and then I can’t technically make you go to a doctor, but will you please tell me what’s going on? Carter’s coming home tomorrow and I need to know why you’re not excited. I need my Sassidy back.”

  “I’m not feeling very sassy today, Mom.”

  “What’s going on, honey?”

  “I did something. Something bad,” I whispered.

  She slid my hair away from my face. “Cassidy, what could you have possibly done that would make you dread seeing the man you love?”

  I sat up and pulled the covers up to my chest. “I can’t tell you.”

  “Why not?”

  “You’ll hate me.”

  “Baby girl, there is nothing in this world that you could do that will make me stop loving you.”

  I tried to calm my churning stomach. “I slept with someone in Paris.”

  My mom took a deep breath. “Okay, honey. It happens. Was it someone you loved?”

  “Not really, no.” I shook my head.

  “Was it Pierre?”

  I nodded. “How did you know?”

  “Well, he’s handsome and you’d been spending a lot of time together,” she said. “Plus he looks a bit like Carter and I wondered if you’d be able to resist Carter with a French accent. I know I couldn’t.”

  I snorted. “Well, I should have because I’m pretty sure I slept with him for all the wrong reasons.”

  “Oh, honey, been there.” My mom smiled sympathetically. “Why do you think you slept with him?”

  “I was mad.”

  “At Carter?”

  I groaned with a nod. “I hadn’t heard from him and I was really hurt that he found a way to let his family know he was okay, but not me. I get that they are more important. It’s not like I thought I should know something they shouldn’t, but I was just so sad. Pierre was in the right place at the right time, I guess. Plus, I just thought I’d get it over and done with...the losing my virginity thing.” I swallowed down the bile threatening to spill and dropped my face into my hands. “But I regretted it the second it was over.”

  “What happened?” Mom pressed.

  “It was awful, Mom. I mean, sex wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be… it didn’t really hurt, but when I was naked with him he pointed out everything wrong with my body, and—”

  “Like what?” Mom asked, her voice had taken on a weird shrill quality about it.

  “My body?”

  “Yes.”

  “Um, I have a large butt, my thighs are a little thick and my breasts were bordering on porn sized.”

  “That little fucker.”

  “Mom!” I nearly choked, I was so surprised by my mother’s swearing. It’s not like she’d never sworn before, but I don’t know that I’d ever heard her use the F-word.

  “Well, he is. You’re beautiful, Cassidy. Inside and out, and if that little shit couldn’t see it, then good riddance.”

  “You’re supposed to say that, you’re my mom.”

  “I don’t have to say anything of the sort.”

  “Mom,” I groaned.

  “You didn’t sleep with him again did you?”

  “No, but not because of what he said. I didn’t know we weren’t being exclusive. Apparently, I was one in a line of many. I am just such an idiot.”

  “Honey, we all make mistakes, and it’s your time to make choices that push the limits. You can’t be so hard on yourself.”

  I burst into tears. “No, you don’t understand.”

  She gave me a gentle smile. “Tell me.”

  “I think I might be pregnant.”

  Mom gasped and wrapped her arms around me, pulling me close. “Oh, baby girl. Do you know for sure?”

  I shook my head. “No, but I haven’t gotten my period, and I’m sick all the time.”

  She stroked my hair. “When did you sleep with Pierre?”

  “Right after the showcase.”

  “Which is when you were finishing those antibiotics for your strep.”

  I nodded. “Is that important?”

  “They can make the pill useless.”

  I groaned. “But we used a condom.”

  “Which aren’t a hundred percent,” she said. “Look, let’s not panic just yet. I’m going to run to the store and grab a test and we can know for sure.”

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  She smiled and left me, returning thirty minutes later. “Go pee and we’ll see what it says.”

  I nodded and took the box from her, grateful we were alone at least for the moment. I did my thing, washed my hands and then met my mom back in my room. For a few minutes, I felt like this could all be a cruel joke, but then there were two lines and my world crashed down again. I flopped onto my bed. “How am I going to tell Carter? He’s going to hate me.”

  “I don’t think he’ll hate you, honey. I don’t think he’s going to be happy, but he won’t hate you.” She wiped away tears and shook her head. “Your dad on the other hand…”

  “Ohmigod, Mom, we can’t tell Dad.”

  “We
ll, how long were you expecting to keep it from him?” she challenged.

  “I can’t have Carter and Daddy hating me.”

  “Baby girl, neither of them will hate you. Daddy’s going to freak out, I won’t candy coat that, but he won’t hate you.”

  “I’m a total whore.”

  “Honey, you are not a whore.”

  “Why are you so calm?” My mom was taking this news way too well.

  My mom sighed. “Sometimes you do everything you’re supposed to do and shit just happens. Would I have wanted this for you? No. But it’s happening and now we need to decide where to go from here. This could have happened to me before I married your father, so I’m the last person to judge you, honey. You just got stuck with some consequences I didn’t.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Well, I wasn’t always “safe” so to speak. I had a scare when I’d missed two pill days and had sex with my boyfriend at the time without condoms, so we’ve all been there, honey.” She patted my knee. “We’ll figure this out, Cass. It’s not going to be pretty, but we’ll figure it out.”

  “I can’t tell Carter, Mom. He’s only home for a week.”

  “Well, that’s up to you, honey. But we need to tell your dad… and then your sisters.”

  I knew she was right, but that didn’t mean I wanted to do it. In the end, we told my dad later that night and he said nothing. Not a word. Just stood and walked into his bedroom, closing the door behind him. Mom followed and I was left to my thoughts, which turned me into a sobbing mess and kept me awake all night.

  If I lost the love of my father, I’d be destroyed.

  * * *

  “Cass?” Carter called, jogging up to me. He was shirtless and delicious, his matching nut and bolt chain hanging against his pecs. He had a new tattoo on his upper arm of the Air Force logo and it was hot. He was leaving again in two days and I was silently congratulating myself for keeping my secret. He would go back to base and I could deal with my predicament in seven months, give or take.

  “Hey,” I said. We were out at the pond, cooling off on a particularly hot June day. I was sitting under the shade of the canopy his parents’ had set up years ago, avoiding the sun.

  He flopped down beside me and grinned. “So, you gonna fill me in?”

  “On?” I asked.

  “Why you’ve been so quiet these past few days.”

  I faced him, grateful my sunglasses hid my panic. “Have I been?”

  “Cass, I know we haven’t seen each other in a year, but I still know you.”

  “Just missed you.”

  “I’ve missed you too,” he said, standing and holding his hand out to me. “Let’s go for a walk.”

  “Mysterious.” I took his hand and let him pull me up. “Where are we going?”

  We started toward the tree-line of our properties. “It’s a surprise.”

  I giggled. “I love surprises.”

  “I know.” He squeezed my hand. “I actually want to ask you something.”

  “Ask away.”

  “You know I love you—”

  “I love you too,” I said.

  “No, wait. Let me get this out.” He sighed. “Sorry. I’m fuckin’ this up.”

  “You’re doing fine.”

  “I love you, Cassidy. I have forever, and I want to know if you’ll marry me when I’m done with this next tour.”

  I felt the color drain from my face. “What?”

  He grinned as we arrived at the dead tree. “I have it on good authority Torbig the Troll will be available to do the honors when I get home… he told me himself… but I think maybe we should do the church thing.”

  “Wait. Carter.” I knew tears were escaping the safety of my sunglasses, but I couldn’t stop them.

  “Hey, babe, why are you crying?” he asked, cupping my cheeks.

  “I can’t… ohmigod, Carter… I can’t do this.”

  “Why not?”

  “Ohmigod.” I made an awkward attempt to walk away.

  Carter grabbed my arm and pulled me to face him. “Hey, what’s wrong? You can tell me.”

  I shook my head. “I can’t tell you this, Carter.”

  He gave me a gentle smile. “I love you, Cass. You can tell me.”

  “You’ll hate me.”

  “I could never hate you.”

  I flailed my hands at my sides in frustration. “Why didn’t you tell me before I left how you felt?”

  Carter frowned. “Because I wanted to wait until you were eighteen.”

  “No jailbait, got it.”

  “Whoa, that’s not what I mean.”

  “I know, Carter. Just ignore me.” I squeezed my eyes shut. “I need to go.”

  “Fuck me, Cassidy. What the hell is going on?” he snapped.

  “I slept with someone. In France.”

  “O… kay,” he said slowly. “Are you still together?”

  I shook my head.

  “Well, then, what’s the problem?”

  I laid my hands over my belly. “I’m pregnant.”

  “What?” he whispered, chuckling as though he didn’t really hear what he heard.

  “I’m pregnant. I made a stupid mistake and now I will be paying for that mistake for the rest of my life.”

  Carter’s hands dropped to his sides and his face changed. I don’t think I will ever forget the expression, mostly because I’d never seen it before… not from him, anyway. It was one of pure unadulterated devastation… one of disappointment and sadness… and, yes, a little hatred.

  “I’m so sorry, Carter.” I turned and made a run for my house. That was the last day I saw him. The last day I talked to him. The last day I spoke his name. After giving birth to Maverick and realizing that if I didn’t get out of my tiny little farm town in Oregon, and away from the people who loved Carter Quinn, I would never escape him, so I moved. Not so far that I couldn’t drive to my parents’, but far enough that his name would never come up.

  I had a beautiful little boy to think about and he would never know that his mother’s heart had shattered irrevocably. He was my heart now and he was enough.

  Four years later…

  ACE PULLED HIS bike up to the Quinn beach house and slid the kickstand down. He hadn’t seen his family since he left and as much as he missed them, he wasn’t particularly sure he was ready for the barage of questions he would inevitably have to endure.

  But he’d promised. It was the fourth of July after all, and the beach was a tradition.

  “Uncle Carter!”

  Ace looked up, unused to being called anything other than “Ace.” He forced a smile as Jeremy, his nephew, rushed toward him. Ace’s eldest brother, Josh, had been married for over eight years now and had three kids. The rest of the Quinn brothers were still single and happy to be.

  “Hey, bud. God, are you like twenty now?”

  Jeremy laughed, hugging him and releasing him quickly. “Seven… but I’m totally a stud.”

  Ace ruffled his hair. “Said like a true Quinn.”

  “Are you and Uncle Aidan really in a motorcycle club now?”

  “Yeah, bud, we are.”

  Ace had just become a full patched member of his club, which meant (for him, anyway) he had more freedom and money to do what he liked. He’d been a prospect for three years, having needed an outlet between tours, then as the tours became shorter, but the missions became more intense, it was his saving grace. A few of his “brothers” had been in similar situations and knew when to push and when to back off.

  Aidan was still a prospect, and he’d probably become a full patched member eventually, but Ace didn’t know when. Aidan always did what Ace did, even when they were kids, he was his constant shadow, so it was no surprise he followed him into the club, but he was young and still trying to find his place.

  Ace could fix, drive, and fly pretty much anything, which meant he was guaranteed employment in any one of the club’s businesses, and now that he was a patched member, he was l
et in on every part of the businesses… legal or not so legal.

  “Gram’s been totally freaking out. I heard her tell Dad that if you crashed your bike, she’d hurt you.”

  “Well, we better get inside then.” Ace grabbed his stuff and followed his nephew into the house.

  “CarCar,” his mother cried, and pulled him in for a hug. “You made it!”

  She pulled away and patted him down as though to check for injuries.

  “Hi, Mom,” he said, and smiled, kissing her cheek awkwardly. “I made it and I’m fine.”

  “It’s bad enough Jaxon and Matt chose dangerous jobs, but now you and Aidan are riding motorcycles? I just don’t know where I went wrong.”

  Still all about you, Mom, he thought in frustration.

  “You didn’t go wrong,” he said. Ace disengaged from her as soon as he could, unable to stand even the briefest of embraces.

  Her face fell, but she quickly recovered, plastering on a gentle smile and stepping back a little. “Your dad and brothers are on the deck.”

  Ace nodded and sidled around her, moving toward the back door.

  “Thank you, honey.”

  He turned and smiled. “You’re welcome, Mom.”

  She took a deep breath and made her way to the kitchen. Ace escaped her look of sadness and stepped onto the deck.

  “Carter!”

  His father’s booming voice startled him for a second, but he recovered and smiled. “Hey, Dad.”

  Unlike his mother, Ace’s father gave him space. Perhaps a bit much, but no less appreciated. Ace’s uncle Ken had served in the Gulf war back in the nineties and returned changed which had affected Ace’s father deeply. They’d once been close, but he’d returned with PTSD, then ultimately died from the cancer that had stemmed from his time in the Middle East.

  Ace never knew the details surrounding Ken’s issues… he’d been too young, but his father had been apprehensive about Ace joining the military. Although, he’d been a little more open to him joining the Air Force. What they didn’t know was that he’d been recruited into the AFST, and trained as a para-rescue jumper, and had just completed his second mission… and it shook him.

  Melanie, Josh’s wife, walked toward him, smiling in greeting. “Hey, bud.”